You have GOT to be kidding me right? Every time I think I've done enough to get into this race they literally move the goal posts.
I've qualified SEVEN times now in 3 years (not to mention the year and a half before that I spent just attempting to qualify and falling short). *Finally* I get a finish time with a buffer I'm absolutely sure will be a lock and this is the year the cutoff is larger than it's ever been before. (I qualified with 2 minutes 48 seconds under my standard but this year they ended up accepting 3 minutes 23. Confused? This might help explain.)
If I didn't care so much it would almost comical.
I'm actually a little embarrassed at how much I care sometimes but at this point I've put so much time and energy and training into this so how could I not be emotionally invested?
Scrolling through comments on internet forums I see people saying just run faster! Well that's a novel idea! Do you think I haven't tried? Believe me if I could just run 5 to 10 minutes faster and be guaranteed a spot I would have done it by now. I have worked HARD for every second I've earned against the marathon, beginning nine years ago back when I ran my very first in 4 hours 26 minutes. When I finally hit my first Boston qualifying time back in 2015, I squeaked by with just 19 seconds to spare. Since then I've qualified by 46 seconds, 55 seconds, 1:03, 1:28, 2:23 and finally 2:48.
The first year I missed the cut I knew it was coming. There was no way I was getting in with a margin that small. The second year I felt pretty confident with a 1:03 under since I had heard that marathon participation was down nationally and fewer people were qualifying for Boston across the board.
HA. Lies! Interest was higher than ever and the cut off was -2:09.
So this year I finally felt like I was a lock with my -2:48. I had to be since the cutoff had never ever been higher that 2:28, right? Then..... Surprise! *gut punch*
Ok, deep breaths. I realize the Boston Marathon owes me nothing. If it was easy to to get into the race then everyone would do it- and then how would that be a challenge? I also realize in the grand scheme of things this is one of the first-worldiest problems a person can have. I mean seriously, how many more important things are going on on the world right now? (Hint: Just about all the things.)
I've been telling myself for quite some time now that I shouldn't be upset because I have a really good life filled with very good things. That allowing myself to feel sad about this means that I'm being ungrateful for everything that I'm so lucky to have. Every time I've had a setback I always tell people, "If this is what I have to complain about in life then I'm doing ok." And then a friend of mine said to me:
That's a good outlook but it's ok to be upset.
.
Huh. I mean, she had a point.
I'm allowed to feel things. It doesn't make me a bad person to be upset when I've worked really really hard for something and been denied by moving target that keeps changing year to year. I can take a minute to feel sad and angry and frustrated that in any other year what I've done would have been enough.
I take heart in the fact that both my kids have seen me work for this for quite some time now. They've seen me try and fail big, try and come thisclose, and try and just have shitty luck. At the very least I have been able to show them that you absolutely don't give up. I've set a goal for myself and I'm not going to stop until I've seen it all the way through. Hard work will always pay off in the end.
And so I keep going.
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